Espada Diaries
by Dances With Paint
Summary: What happens when Szayel hands out diaries to all of the Espada? Nothing good. Ten Espada, Two Former Espada, Three Leader-Type People, Fifteen diaries and my boredom. Not a good combination. Utter Crack and mentions of Yaoi Goodness. HIATUS!
1. Fuckwads

Espada Diaries

-Ten Espada, Two Former Espada, Three Leader-Type people, fifteen diaries, and my boredom. Can't be a good mix. Rated T for strong language and hints of yaoi-

Chapter One

The First Espada

Stark

A/N- Haha. I got really bored at about three in the morning this is the result... Enjoy my retarted humor.

-XxXxX-

June 17th

Szayel Aporro Grantz is so damn gay.

But on no, he absolutely CAN NOT be Ulquiorra gay with private perverted fantasies and a secret stash of male porn. He's all-out 'LOOK AT ME I'M A FLAMBOYANT, PINK-HAIRED EXPLOSION OF SPONTANEOUS EVIL GAYNESS!'

Unfortunately, that stupid fruity fuck just HAD to spread his gayness. He's given us these stupid diaries in assorted neon colors. How Aizen saw any kind of amusement in this, I do not know.

While I'm not sleeping or being pushed around by our-oh-so-fucked-up-master Aizen I may as well take out my frustrations on this thing. Namely, writing about why Hueco Mundo, Aizen and co., and all the other Espada are such fuckwads.

Ok so...

Barragan- Ultimately a fucked-over crabby old geezer. Hopefully he'll just crawl off and die somewhere...seeing as I'm too lazy to kill him myself.

Halibel- The center of all un-gay Espada attention since she's the only adult female. Too stingy and serious through. Barely ever talks.

Ulquiorra- Who shoved the pole up this emo fuck's ass and how far did they shove it up? Overly quiet, cold, emo bastard and also Grimmjow's fuck toy. Enough said.

Nnoitra- Spoon-collared freak. Has made multiple attempts to get in Halibel's pants. Needless to say, they all were epic failures. Has the weird habit of flashing the tattoo on his tongue. Weird shit.

Grimmjow- Quite plainly a psychotic bastard. Has the habit of tearing up furniture and people. Proudly wears the pants in his relationship with the emo fuckwad Espada.

Luppi- One word. TRANSVESTITE.

Nel Tu- Annoying and bothersome little kid. I can't believe she actually used to be the third Espada. Has a habit of stalking Aizen and asking for 'Itsygo'

Aaroniero- Freaky shit. I'm pretty sure he was once an innocent test tube in Szayel's lab...How does someone with a head like that BREATHE?

Szayel- Gayest of all gay. I'm pretty sure he died his hair pink. Quite possibly plays with barbies. The moment he enters the room, the gay level in the air multiplies faster than the bacteria he keeps as a pet.

Yammy- Just plain strange. Overly tall and clearly not human. Possibly could have once been a failed experiment of Szayel's that crawled up from the evil lab of doom and mutated.

Zomarri- Never really talked to the guy much. Seems to be at least semi-sane compared to all the others. Although how quiet he is sorta freaks me out. I wonder what he thinks about all day...?

Aizen- Odd man. Quite possible in love with a teddy bear that he keeps hidden in his room. Known for being a traitor and tea-o-holic.

Tousen- OBSESSED with his little 'justice' theory. He's EVIL and thinks he's doing GOOD? Obviously had very twisted views on the boundary between good and evil.

Gin- Very freaky. Always smiling for some reason. -coughLUPPIcough- Has a secret and passionate love for pink frilly things and possibly wears special pink polka-dotted undies. So painfully obviously tops Luppi. Honestly, they are so loud sometimes, I can't see how they intend on keeping it secret with them both screaming their love for one another every night.

All fucktards. Every one of them. And I have to put up with them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Just thinking about it gives me a huge headache.

Urgh...damn. I thought about it.

Here's hoping Szayel's operation 'Gay-ify all Arrancar' fails miserably at the hands of someone who will completely humiliate him.

Maybe Luppi... or Nnoitra

Meh. I don't care just as long as I don't have to take any action.

Going to bed now. Since I have nothing better to do.

-Stark-

-XxXxX-

A/N- Not too bad for me... but too short for my liking. Halibel's at least will be longer.

I think.

Anyhow, feed me reviews please.

Thank you to readers and to the three cans of coke plus the fuzzy peaches I had before writing this...

-Sora-chan


	2. The Great Panty Raid Extraordinaire

Espada Diaries

Chapter 2

Stark- Continued

--

A/N- I have decided to continue Stark's diary for another chapter, since I know almost nothing about Barragan. The order of the diaries will be as follows:

1. Stark

2. Stark- continued

3. Halibel

4. Ulquiorra

5. Nnoitra

6. Grimmjow

7. Zomarri

8. Szayel

9. Aaroniero

10. Yammy

11. Nel

12. Luppi

13. Aizen

14. Tousen

15. Gin

16. Author's Diary :D

Hope you enjoy this (long) fanfic all the way through.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed and to my friend who gave me a lot of these excellent ideas. Yes, you know who you are.

-XxXxXxX-

June 24th

In the span of one week, Hueco Mundo has _completely_ gone to hell.

I take back calling Zomarri anything close to sane. He and Nnoitra have done a panty-raid of all the Espada's rooms. They videotaped the whole experience, and showed it on Aizen's big screen TV in the meeting room.

When did he even get a big screen TV?

Anyhow, needless to say, they uncovered some rather _interesting_ things within the depths of piles of underwear.

Is it normal to wear frilly man-thongs?

No, I thought not. Luppi does. The two pervert Espada uncovered these, made some rather strange faces, and flung them at one another.

Yes, they had a thong fight. They were discovered by an extremely pissed off Luppi halfway through, and they sonido'ed out of there as fast as possible.

Nnoitra had a particularly disturbing blue and purple man-thong on his head at the time, credit for that goes to an excellently directed fling by Zomarri.

Next, they managed to shake off tentacle man (?) and went straight to Grimmjow's room.

Of course, it was to be expected that they find Ulquiorra's underwear in there, but what else they found came as a shock to everybody who gave a shit.

They found a pair of Halibel's underwear stashed in the back of a drawer. Now, either someone has a dirty little secret, or Grimmjow and Ulquiorra have some strange fetishes.

Ulquiorra's room didn't contain anything of interest. His undies were black like his bleeding emo soul. I wonder if I could sneak some happy pills into his morning glass of orange juice...? The results would surely be... interesting.

Nah, can't be bothered to give a damn. Too lazy.

After that little incident, they moved on to the other rooms.

Barragan- Old geezer underwear. Typical.

Szayel- Pink pink and more pink. No shocker there.

Aaroniero- None? Man, that gave everyone the shivers.

Yammy- ENORMOUS gray thing. No idea how he wears it or if it's even classified as underwear.

Nel- Huggies. Honestly, somebody's gotta train the kid. Aizen's been cutting into our food money for diaper funds.

Halibel- White with red rocketships. Sort of strange but whatever.

Aizen- Furry undies. Looks like they're made of some sort of animal fur. Our mighty leader got some really strange looks for that...

Gin- As expected, he wears pastel pink, red heart print boxers. Maybe he's adopted this habit from Luppi? Who knows...

Quite frankly, who's perverted enough to care?

Tousen- He even has 'justice' printed on his underwear. No kidding. Dear god, what fucked-up leaders we have.

Nnoitra went into Zomarri's room secretly on his own, and discovered Mr. T print underwear. This makes me wonder about his behavior recently... he's been insisting on being called "Mr. Z" and says "I pity the fool" about a zillion times a day.

Of course, to get him back, Zomarri ventured into Nnoitra's doom chamber.

He came out badly beaten, without video evidence of anything and with his hair dyed yellow.

They made an attempt at raiding my room, but I just locked the door like a SMART ESPADA would do. The others were either too dim-witted or just plain didn't care.

I believe after the premiere of their extremely pointless film, they have gone into hiding.

Then again, wouldn't a Mr. T impersonator and a giant spoon stand out A LOT?

Who's idea was it anyway to have Nnoitra designed after a spoon?

Was our creator so idea-shot that he ventured into his kitchen, looking for character ideas and happened to pick up a spoon?

Oh yes, a spoon makes an _absolutely perfect _evil guy.

What's his purpose? Does Aizen eat his cheerios in the morning using him?

Spoon-man is absolutely the most pathetic excuse for a character I have ever seen.

Great, now I've led myself into a rant about utensil-based characters.

At least it's better than writing about the great panty-raid extraordinaire of Las Noches.

Great, now it even has it's own name. Pretty soon I'll come up with a theme song too.

Stupid imagination of mine.

...I swear though, Nnoitra will end up married to one of the kitchen forks.

And they will have little baby sporks.

Augh...the air of fuckwad-ness is starting to affect my brain. I have to go sleep this off. Maybe a long, 18-hour nap will cure me...

-Stark-

A/N- Again. Blame my friend and my morning-retartedness for this little monstrosity.

Reviews are much appreciated and constructive criticism is encouraged, as always.

Arigatou, once again.

-Sora-chan

P.S: No offence intended to Tite Kubo, of course.


	3. Breakfast Pandemonium

Espada Diaries

Chapter 3

The Third Espada

Halibel

A/N- I'm so proud of myself (second time in two days XD) I got in two chapters in one looong night. Halibel is one of my favorite Espada, so this should be interesting. -noms on plate of virtual cookies-

...Read and review please

This chapter I give special thanks to my two friends, Jenna and Andrew, who are most of the time my inspiration to write this random monstrosity and also my convention buddies.

Special thanks and unlimited virtual oreos goes out to wisdom-jewel for some awesome-tastic reviews and to Iosakkura for handing me some criticism.You guys are awesome! Thanks a bunch!

-XxXxXxX-

July 1st

Breakfast time pandemonium has broken free.

Everything started normal, everybody was happily munching on their morning cereal, until Szayel declared war on Gin for eating all his fruit loops.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, Szayel, well known gay Espada, eats gay cheerios. How cliche.

He bursts into the hall, ranting about his special cereal being all gone. Accusations are made, and soon an all out cereal-war starts.

Everyone is flinging their cereal about. Even Aizen and Tousen joined in.

As some sort of sick prank, Gin has replaced Tousen's cereal with shredded newspaper and some suspicious, glowing, green material.

I think it may be radioactive snot.

Yuck.

I am the only Espada here able to be civilized and eat my mini wheats elsewhere.

On my way out, Luppi's raisin bran has hit me in the back of the head.

Oh that is IT. This is the last straw. Being the only female Espada here, there's the sex jokes and puns, but now cereal being flung at me?

That feminine bitch will regret this day.

Almost as much as he regretted that day when he refused to give Grimmjow any pot pie. He ended up being a scratching post seconds after his remark of "No kitty, this is my pot pie!"

I will do painful things to anybody who gets one more bit of cereal in my hair from this point on.

--

Sitting in my room. Counting the different types of cereal in my hair and making a hit list.

Raisin Bran- Luppi- sentenced to death by decapitation

Lucky Charms- Stark- death by boring rant via Tousen

Count Chocula- Ulquiorra- death by chocolate

Radioactive newspaper cereal- Tousen- death by poisoning

Rice Krispies- Nnoitra- death by overlarge plastic baseball bat

Cocoa Puffs- Gin- death by chair

Frankenberry- Yammy- death by yaoi fanfiction

Trix- Grimmjow- death by elephant stampede

Wheaties- Aizen- death by strangulation

By the time I'm done, life in Las Noches will be very quiet.

Seeing it will be just me, Nel, Zomarri, Szayel, and Aaroniero.

Scratch that. I still have to slaughter Zomarri for raiding my underwear drawer and I'll end up killing Szayel. I just know it.

Greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaatttt...

Left in a place where a color could drive you mad within 24 hours, with a child and a freak. Oh joy unbounded.

I may end up killing myself yet. This talk of going insane is a bit depressing...

Maybe I should just leave everything...

Yeah, I'm just going to curl up and watch soap-operas for the next 70-something hours with a tub of chocolate prozac (ice cream) and Nnoitra.

Because after all.

You can't eat your anti-depression food without a spoon, ladies.

By the way, how my underwear ended up in Grimmjow's room is an utter mystery to me.

I swear it.

I didn't lend them to Ulquiorra for some twisted kinky thing.

No...

I don't know anything about why Grimmjow would want Ulquiorra dressed as a woman...

Noooooooo...-cough-theypromisedmethey'dletmewriteyaoifanfictionaboutthem-cough-

-Halibel-

A/N- Weeeeellllllllll.. that was...

Andrew- crappy?

Me- Noooo... just _lacking_

I'm not impressed with this chapter myself... I may end up re-writing it once I've got some sleep...

Thanks to chocolate cream oreos which have succeeded in keeping me awake these past few hours. And of course my lovely reviewers.

-Sora-chan


	4. PIcture Shoot! Improved Third Chapter

Espada Diaries

Chapter 4-ish

The Third Espada

Haibel

A/N- Finally I got to re-writing this! I wasn't happy with the way it turned out before, so here's Halibel's Diary, completely re-written with all new content!

This chapter I give special thanks to my two friends, Jenna and Andrew, who are most of the time my inspiration to write this random monstrosity and also my (future) convention buddies.

Special thanks and unlimited virtual oreos goes out to wisdom-jewel for some awesome-tastic reviews and to Iosakkura for handing me some criticism.You guys are awesome! Thanks a bunch!

-XxXxXx-

July 1st

Normal day, normal people, normal circumstances.

I wish.

It seemed normal enough, until I heard the Star Wars theme playing in the meeting hall. Of course, I thought 'They must be watching a movie on Aizen's big-screen TV.'

But noooo...

I walk into the room, being relatively interested in watching a movie since there was no shinigami infiltrations, killings, etc. to take care of. The lights are off in the hall and there are strange objects glowing in midair.

I have to wonder what they pick up along with the groceries. It seemed for a while that they had picked up glow sticks or lightsabres something.

I began to question what was going on after I saw a round object whizzing around, making random noises.

At first I thought that they had given Wonderwice some sort of glow-in-the-dark ball, but in fact, he had a glow-in-the-dark condom over his head.

God only knows how he got it over his head, or how he got it in the first place, but once I calmed the boy down and got the condom off, realization hit me.

Oh crap, those aren't glow sticks.

So I got the hell out of there as fast as I could, trying to avoid the glowing...erm...sticks, and what was attached to them.

I shiver even now, thinking about it. I was damn glad that I didn't turn the lights on.

Oh God help me, the mental image is stuck.

Luckily, to make up for my scarred mind, I have made up a plan that will inevitably cause much anger and embarrassment among the other Espada.

Namely, taking pictures of them in _interesting_ situations.

Good thing I made Nnoitra pick me up a disposable camera while he was out getting all his hair shit.

--

July 15th

I've finally got all the pictures I need! This will make up for the panty-raid and the "Star Wars mind scarring experience"

(As well as some catnip...I'll need it later.)

Time to go over the ones I got developed...

Barragan- I got one of him sucking his thumb, fast asleep...How...revolting

Stark- I caught him with q-tips up his nose for whatever reason. He looks like a crap walrus.

Ulquiorra- Got one of him carefully applying his green emo eye line things with MY makeup! I stole it back from him when he wasn't looking. Hee-hee

Nnoitra- Him looking like he wet himself after being sprayed by his faulty faucet in his en-suite bathroom. Maybe we should start buying him diapers instead of Nel?

Grimmjow- Snapped one of him absolutely whacked out on catnip. He was covered in yarn at the time and actually _purring. _Now I know what to do when I need a few cheap laughs. Feed the kitty some drugs. I'll have to start up a catnip farm.

Zomarri- This guy must be less sane than he seems. He screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider on his wall. This made an excellent shot, needless to say.

Szayel- I got a picture of the mythical barbie collection!! He even created one to look like himself. What a fruit.

Aaroniero- Making an attempt to clean out his tube like a fish tank. Such a Kodak moment.

Yammy- Smacking into the ceiling of his room as he gets up out of bed. It explains why he's so stupid, I guess...all those bumps on the head a bound to affect anybody.

Aizen- Crying like a little baby after I took his teddy bear away from him. As I have learned, he has named it Gayleen.

Tousen- Smacking into a wall. Someday, he's going to have to train Wonderwice as some sort of seeing eye dog type thing.

Gin- Having a frowning contest with Ulquiorra. Hey, he's gotta stop smiling at some point. I got bored halfway through this and left, although I think Ulquiorra may have won.

I don't know how he frowns all the time. I mean, he has nothing to be sad about. Great sex life and whatnot.

Maybe he's manic depressive?

Nah. I've never seen him the slightest bit happy. He's just depressive.

Anyhow! Time to copy these photos and paste them all over Las Noches! If I die, all my stuff goes to Nel, seeing as she would be the only sensible one left.

Sensible meaning female.

'Cause there's obviously no sense in males.

Is there?

Oh, the mysteries of life.

-Halibel

A/N- I think it was actually not so crappy this time! I feel all warm and fuzzy now.

Andrew- Why am I still here?

Me- Cause I said so.

Jenna- I. ARE. FANFICTIONSHARK!

Me- No, that's just your Schizophrenia acting up.

Spread the warm and fuzzies and review this little monstrosity! And to Jenna- Don't kill me!


	5. Las Nachos Suprise! Ulquiorra's Revenge

Espada Diaries

Chapter 4

The Fourth Espada

Ulquiorra

A/N- Whew, sorry for long update time! I lost my inspiration there for a bit...but now I'm back, crazy as ever!

Thanks go out to all my reviewers, and Jenna, who helps with the ideas that get mushed in here.

And to Puppy, get better soon, it's not good seeing you all emo depressed!

-XxXxXxX-

October 29th

Every day is a black abyss for me. Today was even blacker.

I came across Luppi and Halibel this morning. They were having a bitch fight.

I don't know what about but I heard the words "Raisin Bran" tossed around a lot.

Bitch fights have been erupting everywhere in Las Noches for the past week since the cereal extravaganza.

Like Nnoitra and Szayel faced off yesterday, although during the second half it sounded suspiciously like they weren't fighting at all...

Urgh. Get out of my head.

But then, my love greeted me, and all turned to singing angels and light.

What the crap has happened to me? I'm like some sort of happy person.

Anyhow, I was overjoyed (on the inside) to see Grimmjow. He was the only bright spot in this hellhole recently.

Honestly. Bitch fight here, bitch fight there, panty-raid here and enormous cereal war there. Plus the pictures Halibel took...

I SWEAR I didn't steal her makeup.

I just...borrowed it without asking...permanently...

Grimmjow reminds me why I always loved cats...

Unlike Luppi, who reminds me of how much I love falling into an open sewer. That octo-bitch never gave Grimmy any pot pie...

I would gladly give Grimmjow my pot pie.

...

There was a water war today, which I stayed out of the way of using my cunning skills...

And Yammy.

He's like a walking, talking wall. So I just stayed behind him the whole time. Not HIDE... subtly disappear behind...

Everyone was fliging water balloons about, which wasn't a great idea considering we're all wearing white...

I am mind fucked now, all thanks to that.

I won't ever be the same after seeing Luppi's man-thong on display due to being soaked by Szayel and his Super Soaker.

Oh, I pray for things to be normal tomorrow...

-XxXxX-

October 30th

Nope, my wishes went unheard.

I was just preparing my morning glass of orange juice. Black food coloring added because orange isn't emo enough, when I turned around for a second, and someone dropped happy pills in it.

It tastes so wrong, like...HAPPY. My orange juice is NOT supposed to taste like happy. It's supposed to taste like hurting and depression.

Anyways, I was bouncing around Las Noches, on a high from the happy pills for hours. I think I may have actually SMILED.

Oh no, I think Halibel still has her camera...My reputation...my poor, poor reputation!

Now that I have none of my dignity left, maybe I can stop hiding my stash of Chocolate and Aqua CD's...?

No, I must regain my reputation. I don't want those other pieces of trash to think they're above me...

Now, to try and continue with my breakfast in peace... without happy pill incidents. I will make myself pancakes with DARK chocolate chips and skim milk.

What? I can't be getting fat if I'm on a mission to regain my emo reputation.

-XxXxX-

Nachos for supper. My turn to cook...and to get my revenge.

Luckily, I know where Zomarri and Nnoitra are hiding out. In Aizen's "secret" ice cream cooler. Hopefully they still have some of the...ahem...evidence they gathered from the panty raid...

Sort of creepy... they're keeping some of Halibel's for "future use", so all they gave me was a pair of Gin's heart print undies.

Haha. wait 'till they get a taste of my "Las Nachos surprise"...

After this, they'll have nachophobia for the rest of their lives. That will teach them to make me happy.

While that little monstrosity was cooking, a strange pink gas has filled the room...that can't be good.

I only put chips, cheese, tobasco sauce, salsa, sour cream, Gin's undies, a shred of Nnoirta's spoon collar, Szayel's pink toothbrush, one of Gayleen's ears, and a dash of Grimmjow hairball in there...It can't possibly do any harm.

Nah, they'll be fine after they finish barfing their guts up...

It was brilliant. Everyone got sick.

Except for Szayel, who choked on his toothbrush... and almost died when Yammy tried to give him the Heimlich maneuver.

And Aizen, who was too busy crying over "Teddy Bear Slaughter" after he bit into Gayleen's ear.

Oh well, at least my reputation is safe now.

-Ulquiorra-

A/N- Whew! I'm running out of ideas! To all my reviewers, PLEASE send in any ideas you might have, or this story will dieeeeeee!!!


	6. A Day In The life of a Living Spoon

Espada Diaries

Chapter 5

The Fifth Espada

Nnoitra

A/N- Yay! The chaotic randomness ensues! Thanks to Gopher Child, Puppy, Kat, Rafiki20 Halibel Lecter and DoKixDoKi for sending in those reviews, and thanks to those of you who gave me a few ideas. I have a new chapter layout!!! And a very special thank you to nel_3_arrancar of Gaia online for feeding me the Blocked Toilet of Las Noches Scenario!

1. Stark

2. Stark continued

3. Halibel

3.2. Halibel Rewritten

4. Ulquiorra

5. Nnoitra

6. Grimmjow

7. Zomarri

8. Szayel

9. Aaroniero

10. Yammy

11. Luppi

12. Nel

13. Aizen

14. Tousen

15. Gin

16. Wonderwice

17. Special Author's Diary, The Making Of Espada Diaries

-XxXxX-

November 4th,

Being a single parent SUCKS.

I mean, besides the fact that I can eat stuff with my kids... solids and liquids!

I, Nnoitra Jiruga am now the father of triplet baby sporks, one of which is a midget spork. I WAS married before the fork ran off with the kitchen butter knife...

On the bright side...I can check out the other silverware now! Spatula, baby, here I come!

Zomarri has been playing substitute Mommy for the time we're in hiding. In other words, I just leave him with them and a load of ice cream, he entertained all day.

Why, of all places. did he choose a FREEZER for us to hide in? Besides all the chocolate-y goodness that's stored here...

I suddenly remember why.

Oh...and about Halibel's underwear, it wasn't me who chose to keep them, I swear.

"Mr. Z" here had the BRILLIANT idea of keeping them as some sort of fucked-up hat. But he just ended up fastening them to a stick and poking me every three seconds with them...

It's absolutely miserable sitting in here day and night. I tried to sleep once a few days ago, but Zomarri dyed my hair neon green and tye-dyed my uniform.

Yes, I am now a COLORFUL spoon. Get over it.

Well, I haven't really been a spoon since Zomarri forced me to eat my collar so I could fit into the freezer...

Oh no, I think Grimmjow has found out where we're hiding! He's coming nearer, I can hear his voice, I can practically SMELL that damned kitty-cat odour!

Since when has Ulquiorra's pet name been "Mr. Cuddlesworth"?

Oh no, Zomarri's giving me that "We HAVE to go check this out!" look.

-XxXxX-

Yep, being dragged out of our hidey hole.

Oh no, Grimmjow has adopted one of Wonderwice's pieces of abstract art (something random he took and fingerpainted) It's a cat, which now seems to be following him throughout Las Noches.

It is orange, pink, bright purple, lime green, silver and yellow. Grimmjow better hide it away before Szayel sees how gay it is and tries to steal it.

Haha. Ulquiorra's seen the cat and got all jealous. Poor emo kid is hiding in a corner now.

No, we're not STALKING Grimmjow, we're UNSEEN FOLLOWING.

Time to get back to the freezer, I hear Gin coming. There's a lot of crashing sounds coming from the same general direction. I'll assume Luppi's with him.

No, he's attempting some sort of messed up martial art...and destroying everything in sight while he's at it.

He's humming "Eye of The Tiger". That can NEVER be good news.

Zomarri and I have just gotten roundhouse kicked back into the freezer. It turns out that Gin was (failing at) impersonating Chuck Norris.

Oh no, here come the Chuck Norris jokes, SAVE ME!!!

-XxXxX-

Things are getting boring, just sitting here in a freezer...

Or they were until we discovered that Aizen's having toilet troubles.

He somehow managed to clog up his en-suite toilet, and Tousen has been no help, since his "seeing eye dog" Wonderwice has been leading him in circles for hours now. Gin and Luppi have been watching Aizen freak out over it, laughing loudly. Gin roundhouse-kicked the wall and broke that too. Ha-ha.

So we've decided to film a little home-video. Oh, how everyone will laugh at this in a few hundred years.

Aizen went out to buy toilet cleaner and a plunger. But he ended up with mouthwash and a wrench. A lot of good that'll do him.

Wonderwice has drank the mouthwash, and is now drunk. He's gone to his room (dragging Tousen along) and is eating his fingerpaints.

Uh-oh. He's discovered where Halibel is growing her catnip garden and has fed it to Grimmjow...and Zomarri.

Don't ask me how he managed to force-feed Zomarri kitty drugs. It probably had to do with the torcher chamber I found just off Wonderwice's room...

We're all doomed! Wonderwice got into Szayel's lab and released some sort of freaky experiment upon us. Sure... it seems to be afraid of the light and is hiding in a cupboard in Tousen's room... but I'm telling you, this thing can't be harmless. After all, Szayel created it.

It ate Gin. It can't be all bad... I'll try and lure it out of the cupboard. I shall call it Fluffy and it shall be my freezer buddy now that Zomarri is perma-high from overdosage of catnip... and possibly finger paint fumes.

Wonderwice has painted the freezer bright green. It didn't last long though, Fluffy ate it.

This can't be good... Fluffy is mutating. Maybe those fingerpaints have something strange in them...?

Yup, Luppi's socks. And the label on the paint says "Do not expose to gay-ness. Radioactive material will result."

Normal got thrown out the wondow here long ago...(along with the fingerpaints. Fluffy threw them) who buys fingerpaints that react to Gay-ness?? We're all doomed if that's the case!

This is insanity... Insane times call for insane measures... time to get a girl's advice.

Went to see Halibel. She was cooking. A strange violet smoke was filling the room, and it smelled like feet... she said she was making tea. This was just too weird, so I left her alone.

Turns out the jar of fingerpaint with Luppi's socks ended up in the teapot when Fluffy flung it. I caught Aizen sipping the tea later. He was apparently pleased with it. He said the flavor was "Robust, complex and fruity." Tee-hee.

Fluffy turned into some sort of dinosaur thing. He's no longer Fluffy, he's Scaly.

Oh NO!!! SCALY'S TRYING TO EAT MEEEE!!!

Ran into Halibel while running away. She's now making french toast. Is the bread supposed to be neon orange?

Good God! No time for French Toast talk!!! I tried to explain to Halibel, but she though I was crazy. Then again I did yell at her "FRENCH TOAST? GOOD GOD WOMAN, THE DINOSAURS ARE COMING TO GET US AND YOU'RE MAKING FRENCH TOAST!!!???"

"Fluffy" ran around the corner, and skidded into a wall. The fumes from Halibel's french toast must be making him drunk.

The revenge of Ichimaru Gin!!! After smelling the French Toast, fluffy threw up Gin all over the floor. Somehow still alive, Gin roundhouse-kicked Fluffy in the head and sent him flying back into Szayel's lab.

A... happy ending? Wow, this is one retarted day. I have to go clear my head of retarted-ness... and upload this video onto the internet and mass email it to everyone.

-Nnoitra-

A/N- again, sorry for the loooooong update time! I need more ideas, feed the idea machine and updates will come faster. Reviews also help :D

Thanks for reading!

-Fail-san


	7. Of Mexicans and SporkProducing Pockets

Espada Diaries

Chapter 6

The Sixth Espada

Grimmjow

A/N- That's right! E-Fail's baaaaack! And with all new insanity! Thanks to G-Child for amazing support and inspiration to write another chapter of this little monstronsity.

-XxXxX-

January 23rd

Dear fucking diary (or whatever the hell this is)

Well...all has once more gone to hell here in Las Noches. For some reason (he's probably eaten all his fraccion again), Szayel has started to use himself as a test subject. He's finally cracked because of the new drug he's testing. He's been proncing around all day yelling "It's the attack of the flying blowjob!" and tackling random people. He jumped on my back earlier and and yelled "I wear the cowboy hat! Yee-ha! Giddyup Sunnymuffin!" Oh. My. Aizen. He's such a fruit.

Of course, I've just been prowling the halls randomly and casually, looking for something to ease my boredom, when he jumps on my back. I tell him to get the hell off, and when he does, a laser cuts through the hall right behind us. What the hell has he done now?

Even the MOON'S fucked over now! Szayel, inspired by his gay drug-induced outburst, has made the moon into something that yells out "I'MMA FIRIN" MAH LASER!!!" and destroys some part of this place with a giant laser seconds later. Oh damn. It better not have gotten my room!

No, it didn't get my room. But it did blast down the door to Szayel's lab, releasing Fluffy and also the newest of Szayel's creations, Bubbles. They ran free for about an hour before Nnoitra herded them up using a bit of sausage and a very strong rope. He's tied them both outside.

Uh-oh. Since when has Las Noches had aliens?

MEXICAN aliens??? There's a flying sombrero abducting Bubbles! And they've unleashed a flock of flaming seagulls on us!!! Oh no!! Whatever will we do against the flaming seagulls???

They've burned up and died. Ther's just a smouldering pile of feathers left on the ground now... Hah. So much for the weapon of mass destruction.

Oh God. Ulquiorra and I have a lovechild. He was the one flying the sombrero.

Wait... if Ulquiorra's a spanish-orgin name, and mine's german-orgin, would that mean that spanish plus german equals mexican???

Oh no. Wonderwiess must have given our "child" some of his catnip-and-finger paint concoction. There's a giant waffle hanging in the sky now. How the HELL did he get a giant waffle???

The better question is, how did he make a sombrero fly? Ah well, fuck this. I'm going to play some board games.

Ended up playing Monopoly with Wonderwiess and Yammy. Considering that he's a dumbass, I had to read out all the cards for Yammy. But I got fed up with this very quickly, and swiped my arm over the board. Fuck this game!!!

I hit Wonderwiess in the head with the little iron... and he went to sleep. Is that a bad thing?

He's woken up now... but he's...different. Meaning that he's saying more than "Uuahhhh..." No, he's ACTUALLY TALKING now! When he woke up, he looked at me, blinked for a second then said "It seems you've hit me in the upper region of my cranium." But I also fear insanity, 'cause soon after the catnip he had eaten while we were playing kicked in, and he got really close to Yammy, and asked for his numba...

"Parent" counsel meeting in the main hall. In other words, Aizen's called me and Ulquiorra to discuss our "habits" oh great... the sex talk from our almighty fucked-up leader!

Oh no. Gin and Tousen are there too. This must be some intervention.

Wrong. The hall is decorated with "It's a Boy!" balloons. All the other Espada are here too... Hey... this looks like a- ON NO!!! IT'S A BABY SHOWER!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!!!

They've all tied me and Ulquiorra to a pole. Since when have we had a pole in the middle of the meeting hall anyways???!!! And since when has Ulquiorra worn a sombrero and multicolored spanish-style shirt???!!!!!!!

Damn. This MUST have something to do with Szayel. It explains everything. The tacky decorations, my gay-dar beeping LOUDLY in my brain...ah-hem...

That FRUITY little BITCH has trained flying fish to drag banners around. No, not regular flying fish, but trout with big, feathery pink wings. How typically gay.

They're singing. Fuck this shit. I'm getting out of here with my...erm... bride? INSERT MOVIE CLICHE HERE!

Happy birthday??? Why would they be singin- HOSHIT.

Halibel has just very kidly... emr... scratch that. Anyways, she reminded me that it was Ulquiorra's birthday by yelling at me "Get your ass into that coctail dress! You've gotta be in the cake for when your Emo-car comes back!"

What fresh HELL!!!??? I've been somehow forced into a red, frilly cocktail dress and stuffed into a HUGE cake with a pair of maracas. Halibel cooked the cake, which would explain why the cake was bright orange... and why I found a sock and a hot pepper lodged in the cake next to me...

Burst forth from the cake at last!!! Finally I'm free from that horrible scent! Really, it smelled like Luppi in there! All fruity... and... GAY.

Put my Espada uniform back on only to realize that it has been tie-dyed green and purple. And the pockets have been filled with sporks... my Nnoitra and Zomarri senses are tingling... this has their names written all over it.

It also has "GAY!" written all over the pants, but that's completely besides the damned point.

I. Must. Get. Revenge. On. Their. Asses.

Damn. This evil planning stuff really should be left to the pink-haired freak... it's much harder than it looks. All I've gotten out of it was a headache and a giant evil waffle iron.

It chased me around my room for an hour before Ulquiorra came in with a frying pan, smacked it and trapped it in a cage. It's been growling at me ever sice.

Where did Ulquiorra get a frying pan??? I was lookng everywhere for something to make my damn pancakes in this morning...

It seems that he can materialize things from his pockets. He always has his hands in there... Who knows that he could have ready to pull out in a battle???

A giant pastel pink rubber duckie and several of Nnoitra's spork babies. Is that normal?

Ah, who the Hell cares? Normal died around here a LOOOOONNNGGG time ago.

Spork-producing pockets though... that's weird even for Las Fucked-up Noches.

HAH! Nnoitra and Zomarri walked into a trap that... I didn't set? What fresh hell???

It was THEIR OWN trap. Surely they can't be that retarted?

Szayel must have beamed them with his gay-ser beam. They're acting like dumb little girls.

Victory is mine!!! I set the giant evil waffle iron after them, and Nnoitra stuck his tongue in it! He's been skipping around with it hanging out of his mouth all evening.

Oh, happy fucking days. Zomarri's using Nnoirta's tongue as a leash. I'll have this image stuck in my head all night now.

Speaking of which, I have to go mass-produce more mexican babies... I'll write in this damned thing later.

-Grimmjow-

-xXxXx-

A/N- Wow, this chapter has to be sort of retarted. I must stick a warning label on it... nah... too lazy. I've spent much time, blood, sweat, laughs, and tears over this. I hope you all enjoy and leave me with all kinds of juicy reviews with some new ideas!

Just a note- keep in note of you go through it again that I made a little fail when originally typing this up, and spelled "duckie" as "dickie" instead. Doesn't that present an odd image?


End file.
